Tired, tired and more tired

When 2010 started I knew this was going to be one hell of a year.  Forget what was happening in the news in my own life my husband and I separated again for a second time and an aunt who I had had a long  and complicated history with committed suicide.  Change was on the horizon and I had to buck up and role with the dice whether I liked it or not.

So here we are in May2010 and the planet is definitely catching on fire, no pun intended. We’re experiencing an on-going volcano ash crisis in Europe, an oil spill that threatens our global ecosystem, countries going bankrupt ie. Greece, Spain, Portugal (and the UK who is not too far behind), mass death of political figures in Poland that has been proven not to be an accident, America and Iran firing off at one another and Thailand fighting for change.  We have certainly entered into some rather chaotic energy and boy are we living and feeling it.  In one of my previous posts I discussed just how tired I had been feeling as of late.  And it is not only me it is others as well.  I have come across, quite innocently, on  a forum I frequent although do not participate in others complaining of either sleeping too much or not sleeping at all.  Over the last few years I slept very little waking up 2 to 3 times a night.  It is part of the new sleep cycle many of us are experiencing and it drove me crazy.  It also intensified the anxiety that I was suffering with.  Now, I have been sleeping, sometimes 15 hours in a day and still barely can keep my eyes open.  When I work, which is for me writing, I can sustain about 5 hours maximum and then my whole body shuts down and is ready for a rest.

I recenty came across an article by Tom Kenyon, which has given me some needed new insights on the exhaustion I have been experiencing and so I share it with others as I know I am not alone in this.  Funny, this week especially I have barely had any energy to do anything and writing has been out of the question, today seems to be an oddity.  I then a couple of days ago realised that the Volcano in Iceland that has been causing much trouble for Europe has been at it again.  Stirring and erupting.  Most likely my body has been reacting to this latest eruption.  God knows what I will feel like when, I stress when, the sister Volcano Katla begins to erupt.  I assume I as many others will be bed ridden for the next couple of years!

Before I include Tom Kenyon’s article I would like to comment on the article that Karen Bishop has recently posted, ‘The Three Options.’  I am a great follower of Karen’s work and feel the movements that she describes without a doubt.  This last post really resonated with me and once I feel more stable within myself I will write an article articulating what I have been experiencing.  Within my feelings of tiredness and exhaustion I found this last week incredibly difficult emotionally.  One minute I’m fine the next I am crying.  The emotion has been deep and I have been unable to fight off some of the darkness I have been feeling.  It is interesting that in this latest post Karen discusses one of the options we have is death.  I had concluded to myself only yesterday before I read her latest post that if X,Y and Z had not happened to me by age 43 then I would like to be released and move on.  I did not know where this was coming from it is unlike me to think in these ways but obviously it must be something many of us are being faced with.  I like many others have lost alot and I am not even 4o yet.  Others of my age group are having babies and enjoying life while I sit and suffer in silence losing everything I have ever known in my life that has helped me define who I am.  Astroloically speaking I haven’t even hit the Uranus opposition which is supposed to bring on the mid-life crises phase. Life has been very challenging for me and I have had to experience great loss.  When you experience several large scale losses in life it becomes harder and harder to believe a bright future is ahead of you. So, I was actually relieved to read this from Karen and can completely relate to how she must be feeling.  I can feel the sadness in her words and have fully resonated with how she is feeling.  I feel for some of us these feelings are very raw and real.  In the next week or so I will elaborate on this a bit futher, but at the present time I do not feel ready to discuss these darker feelings that have been making me think of death quite yet.

Anyway, below is an article by Tom Kenyon which discusses the purpose of the earthquakes and volcanoes we are experiencing and how they are interrelated and impact us.  There is some very good information here that should help you answer why you have been feeling so tired.

Until next time.

Valentine St Aubyn

Letting go of ego and discovering one’s soul

Aurora Borealis
Aurora Borealis - Auroras occur when charged particles outside the Earth's atmosphere collide with atoms in the upper atmosphere. The result: a glowing display of curtains, arcs, and bands in the sky. The phenomenon is called aurora borealis or northern lights

In a previous post I wrote about the deconstruction of our ego self in ‘The separation of the worlds’ article. In this article I would like to contine on with this theme as it has been playing a very important role in my own life over the last year.  I do believe when you reach a certain point along your ascension journey, after having a spiritual awakening, such as a kundalini event, questioning the new you that emerges cannot be ignored. 

Everything in your life comes up for reflection. You cannot hide from yourself as there is no where to run.  The you who you have always known and conversed with in the depths of your mind becomes altered and any belief systems that you have held are shattered systematically and dramatically.  A kundalini awakening can bring on an ego wipeout.  This is a term I have adopted from Noel Tyl, a renowned astrologer.  I certainly did experience this for myself when my solar arc midheaven conjuncted my natal neptune.  Reality as I new it disappeared into a forest of neptunian illusion, deception and destruction.  I have since rebounded and am coming to peace with myself and the new belief systems I have incorporated into my daily life.  I am certainly not the same person I was before my awakening and boy am I glad for that.

Before my kundalini awakening I would not have been able to distinguish  a difference between my soul and my ego.  So what is the difference you might ask as I can hear you saying this to yourself?  A year ago I would not have been able to offer any descriptions on this matter.  At that time I was still looking outside of myself to find the answers, there is nothing wrong with this of course it is how we learn, but using discernment I have learned is extremely important when you have experienced a kundalini awakening or any kind of spiritual emergency because at these times we are at our most vulnerable.  There is alot of deception in the spirtual community  and it is important to question the belief systems others are imposing on us albeit voluntarily as many of us want to unlock the mysteries around us.  It is also important to be aware of others who masquerade their egos purporting information that nobody else knows, leading you to believe that they are the only ones who can guide you to your desired goal.  This is why I enjoy the work of Karen Bishop.  She is simplistic in her approach, and stays away from hosting forums, having a facebook page etc, which of course are all trappings of ego whether we want to admit this or not.  She allows her message to speak for itself freely without charge for the most part and she doesn’t claim to know everything.

When I first had my kundalini awakening I experienced many physical and non-physical occurences in my body and around me.  Inside of me I felt as if someone turned a light switch on and I physically felt an inner warmness just under my heart chakra and above my solar plexus.  I had discovered the seat of my soul and was beginning to make contact with my higher self in a way that I had never done before.  Depending on how in tune I am with my higher self this feeling is either now always constant or drifts in or out.  I use it as a gage to decipher and encode if I am allowing my soul to guide me or if my ego has taken over.

The difference between those of us who have had a kundaini awakening and those who have not, I believe, can be found in how we express our ego selves.  Whether we like it or not our ego is expressed through our personality.  We cannot escape it.  In astrological terms it is our natal chart.  Our ego is a lense that we perceive the world through.  It controls our belief systems, our reactions to others and how we even sabotage and jeopardise ourself.  Our soul is our true essence and in astrology it is known as the draconic chart, when we consciously let go of our ego we are allowing our soul, the higher self of our essence to take over. 

I have been having many lessons that have been teaching me the necessity in letting go of ego.  For me, it has been through financial issues.  Yes, that’s right money problems.  When you cannot pay your bills and mortgage  you have only one option, let your ego go and ask for help!  A Christian would say put your faith in God, he will provide for you.  Whereas someone on a different spiritual path like myself would say let go and let your soul guide you.

I am certainly not going to purport that we can completely override our egos.  To be honest it is foolhardy to believe this.  Yet we can be more aware of our egos by letting go  and trying not to be in control all the time, when we begin to do this then we are truly beginning to be in line with our soul’s purpose.  Running to others to find the answers ceases to be important because the soul knows deep down inside and will eventually guide you, the ego doesn’t and will constantly produce feelings of fear and insecurity to get you to respond to the environment and obstacles in your way.

Valentine

2010, Living with change and experiencing the new

Image of the destruction caused by the Hatian earthquake

Happy belated New Year and a warm welcome to all of you who have been visitors here on my blog and to all the new visitors.  I am relieved and delighted to see 2009 finally end.  I am sure I am not alone as many of us experienced the uneasy ups and downs last year brought.

It’s taken me almost 6 weeks to sit down and write to you all.  My soul has been wanting to but it’s as if I was asked to wait for the right moment.  2010 has come in quite dramatically for me, and if it has for me then it has for others as we are all connected at the higher levels.  Astrologically, I have read about the upcoming cardinal climax that will be occurring around the Spring and as always my body is feeling the incoming energies quite intensely.  2010 will be a dramatic year for the world so hold on to your seats. The energies are quite abrupt and I felt them intensifying during the last few weeks of December! Feelings of exhaustion have been plaguing me, and I am now determined to get to the root cause of it all.  Yes we are being pounded with energies from our solar system at a great level, but I gather I must have a block in one of my chakras as well. Working on ourselves never stops.

Nevertheless, I aptly named this article with the above title at the beginning of 2010.  Little did I know how relevant this subject would be on a micro and macro level.  The earthquake in Haiti certainly did announce that 2010 will be a watershed year.  I believe that over 200,000 Haitians have since died.  It is a mass departure of souls but yet it is likely that we have now entered a time period where more and more souls will leave allowing the new souls to arrive in the form of Indigo and Crystal children.  In my family, I had recently been given very bad news around the time of the earthquake.  An aunt of mine who I had many problems with over the years killed herself.  I will leave out all of the details but we had a very challenging relationship as she was not the easiest person ego wise to deal with.`Her departure has left a hole in our family.  Many of us question what we could have done differently to help her.  I feel everything happened the way it was supposed to, and she came into this incarnation to have the experience she did.  With her removal from my life there is a new energy that has emerged.  A new beginning if you like as I no longer have to be drawn into the negativity that came with our interaction. 

In addition, my long-term marriage and relationship has finally ended its course.  I have laboured for 3 years to hold on, but the necessary change is to hard to fight.  My husband and I will always love each other and we were great teachers to one another but as with everything happening now it is time to close one door and open another.

It seems that on a large scale this is happening to others too.  Negativity that once seemed to have full reign to create chaos is now breaking down.  Many souls who are not in tune with the new energies are leaving and many new souls are coming here to take their place.   I have just learned of the death of the Fashion designer Alexander McQueen.  It seems more and more high profile individuas are also choosing to leave at this time.  Interesting that he committed suicide just as my aunt did- the energies certainly seem to be pushing people to their limit at the moment.  For some it may be too much I feel. It is sad for many of us who are losing family members and friends, relationships, or our jobs, regardless there are alot of endings bouncing around in many of our lives. But there is also a certain amount of relief that is existent within all of this if only we see the other side of all of this change.  We have a chance to begin again.  Create a new world.

I believe that the new earth is here.  I feel I am living it daily.  I have little contact with the old world and many people  in it.  I work nights and use the time to prepare my novel which will be coming out soon. I have been working tirelessly on the editing of my manuscript before ‘I send it to my publisher.  I also use the time to write the second book in the series.  I enjoy the limited contact I have with the outside world and have been meeting nicer softer souls when at work.  They are not in tune with the metaphysical side, but they are good people nevertheless.

I can definitely feel that the new is here.  It may be shrouded around some sadness as we let go of our past but better times are ahead of us. 

Valentine St Aubyn