Life in the void, being broke, and loving every minute of it?

Without a doubt 2009 has been a very difficult year for me as it has been for many others going through deep and profound changes.  For me it’s been a long cycle which started in full in 2007 and has lingered ever since.  I have been reshaped, reformed, cleansed, purified, turned upside down and inside out, removed, detached, abused and loved and have experienced every emotion that is possible to describe with human words.  I have cried and laughed and felt completely no emotion at all wondering what in blazing saddles is going on in my life.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t born with being able to see through dimensions or have conversations with star beings which I would have loved to of had but I was born quite sensitive and have the ability to feel energy at a deep level.  I’m glad there are others out there such as Karen Bishop, Lisa Renee, Steve Rother who have this talent and can articulate what is happening to us as it is such a transformative journey and we all need help and guidance along the way. 

Over the last few years, as I have been on my ascension journey, I have gone through a few cycles where I have been completely withdrawn from the world around me.  I can’t say I mind, I do not care much for mainstream life and would very much like to go and live on a much more sophisticated and loving planet.  However, for now I am here and so I and many of us who are sensitive to the denser energies are trying to make the most of it.

Over the last few years I have noticed a distinct and reoccurring pattern that exists.  I enter into moments of complete detachness where absolutely nothing happens in my life for months and months and at the moment I am in another one of those phases.  For me it began in September with the 09.09.09 portal.  The phone stopped ringing,  the temporary job I had folded and everything around me halted, except for the creative work I am doing for my novel that will be published early next year.  This phase is often described as the ‘void’  and is a big part of ascension and many of us have and are currently experiencing this.  I will leave the more technical aspects of the cleansing and purging that comes with this to the experts but the void is a necessary phase that happens in cycles as our bodies assimilate the new energies that are being pumped into the planet.  During these periods I am always out of work whether I like it or not, can only focus and concentrate for short periods of time, am completely removed from others, and spend alot of time in my own home and pretty much feel like doing very little.  In 3-D reality we are taught we must have a job,  we should always be doing something and working ourselves to death to show just how successful we are.  So, when you jump out of 3-D reality and move into the higher realms we soon realise there are many levels where work can occur that do not adhere to the rules of 3-D perception.  And although we may have alot of work to get on with such as creative projects or planning our new businesses we just can’t muster enough energy to sit and do it all day as we could in the past.

I find life in the void scary and comforting all at the same time.  I am always working through alot within myself during these periods and spend alot of time crying and releasing as I often feel very alone and detached from everyone and everything around me.  My crown chakra tends to hurt alot and the laying down position is my favourite as it makes me feel at ease.  I always manage to get sick.  And this cycle is no different I have had the flu, vomitted, been having stomach aches, and have felt absolutely exhausted even though I have been getting plenty of rest and have been able to relax all day long.  However, unfortunately I have a mortgage and bills to pay so although we are being asked by the higher levels to use this time and transmute and process I find it very hard to fully relax. 

I have to admit somehow my financial needs are strangely being met.  They do not all get met,  if I may add, but I still have a roof over my head and I have been through a few phases of the void in the past and have come out at the other end still standing and with a home.  I eat regularly so much so that I’ve managed to put on weight and I am not someone who puts on weight easily.  As everything in my life has been stripped away I do not have many material things left, I have no car to maintain and no credit cards to worry about everything has been shaved down to the bare mininum.  This also includes personal relationships including my marriage which has experienced many ups and downs over the last few years and at the moment my husband and I have been separated from each other.

I am broke, and forced to accept help from others, something that does not sit well with me as I have always worked for everything I have.  Even when I try to help myself and look for work I am rudely reminded that I no longer belong in the old world.  This week I recently tried to join an agency to look for employment.  Although my novel will be available to buy at the beginning of next year and I am trying to become self employed delivering historical workshops, I still need outside help financially.  I was rudely turned away as I was not able to pass a credit check to get a particular job, have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?  At another agency I was not accepted because I had the audacity to tell the agency that I had life goals  and write creatively on the side and was looking for something part-time or temporary.  They were not happy with this because the employers want to know that you will dedicate yourself to the job wholly, meaning you are not allowed to have a brain of your own.

So I continue to live my life in the void and try to enjoy being broke and living simply.  I will surrender myself to the experience once again and will try to stay in the now and look forward to the new beginnings that will hopefully begin for myself and many of us in 2010.

Valentine St Aubyn

The astrology of spiritual awakening, a case study part I

Unfortunately astrology has been confined to the outskirts of conscious awareness.  We live in a world where anything that is of any real value and has the ability to shift our consciousness for the better is marginalised and made fun of.  Astrology is a science and is the oldest science on this planet  and great thinkers over the many centuries have studied this science worldwide.  Astrology is a great tool and if you would like to understand ascension and the shift of consciousness from 3-D to 5-D then a study into astrology will help you greatly.  In parts I & II of my ascension nightmare and how I got to where I am now posts I discussed my experience of a kundalini release and how it all works in the wider scheme of things.  In this post I discuss the astrology of ascension using my own chart as a case study.

One of the best works I’ve read so far that addresses the issue of kundalini and astrology is Barbara Hand Clow’s Liquid, Light, Sex: Kundalini, Astrology, and the Key Life Transitions.  In this work Barbara Hand Clow embarks on a great journey explaining how the time clock of astrology signals our mid-life crises transits which take place to transform us, and not just make our lives fall apart, which is what most mid-life transits actually feel like.  The key to any transition is the release of kundalini energy and for better or worst its purpose is to make us face ourselves and evolve into higher levels of consciousness.  Throughout the book Barabara focuses her attention on the planets Uranus, Saturn and Pluto and Asteroid Chiron as major triggers for releasing the kundalini.   Barbara’s work could go into the astrology of ascension even more directly, I believe she is more than equipped to do this but may have resisted to avoid scaring off more mainstream readers.  However, the undertones of ascension are definitely there.  Yet many of us are having kundalini releases and we haven’t reached our forties or fifties so what shadowy figure in the astrological world is responsible for this?

At the moment I can only use myself as a case study, but this area certainly does call for some further research.  I would say officially that my kundalini released itself in August 2007.  I was 35 and experiencing an approaching square of Pluto to my natal Pluto which is at 29 Virgo. Most astrologers without a doubt give the Pluto square Pluto transit more credit as a great life transforming transit and and believe it to be more potent and volatile than the saturn return.  My ascendant is at 26 Sagittarius and my moon is at 27 Sagittaurius both being tightly conjunct.  Since 1995 I had been hosting Pluto in my 12th house which helps to explain the cleansing theme of hynoptherapy and counselling I underwent starting in 2003 as it began to get close to my ascendant and moon.  Pluto in my 12th house brought out all of my fears and painful memories and for years I battlled with anxiety and insomnia beginning in 1999 until I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to reach out for help in 2003.  As my ascendant and moon are at 26  and 27 degrees Sagittarius they are both conjunct the Galactic Centre, a mystical black hole in the centre of the Milky Way.  In 2006- 2007 Pluto exactly conjuncted the Galactic Centre for the first time in 250 years which was seen as a monumental event in astrological terms.  We all held our breaths and wondered what message would come as Pluto crossed this sensitive point and began its entry into Capricorn.

As a late Sagittarius rising individual Pluto conjuncting my ascendant and Moon stirred and dislodged great energies inside of me which brought on my kundalini release.  Something big was definitely happening in my life.  Pluto crossing the ascendant is always a big deal and you and your life are never the same.  But as my moon and ascendant and natal Pluto were all being touched and triggered by the transformative and destructive energies of Pluto, lord of the underworld, something deep inside of me certainly was unleashed.  Coupled with the energy of the Galactic Centre which I was born with natally I felt like someone had plugged me into an electrical outlet and left my to fry.  I was baking in full on cosmic energies directly from the central sun, the Galactic Centre, for many months and when Jupiter joined the party with Pluto in September 2007 it expanded all of the energies that were charging through my body. 

It is said that a life changing transit can be read in many ways in the astrological chart.  In my progressed chart looking at the solar arc progressions my SA Midheaven was conjunct my natal neptune which is at 3 Sagittarius. My SA Pluto was conjunct my natal Midheaven at 0 Scorpio, my SA Neptune was conjunct my natal Jupiter which is at 6 Capricorn.  Jupiter is also my chart ruler.  And my solar arc Ascendant had just changed signs and was at 0 Aquarius.  Noel Tyl who is credited with educating the astrological community about solar arcs says that when either the solar arc midheaven and natal Neptune or vice versa make a conjunction or when the solar arc Neptune hits an angle an ego wipeout usually occurs.  Spiritual awakening and transcendence also takes place but one cannot occur without the the other.

I certainly did experience an ego wipeout and because of this my consciousness opened up fully allowing me to awaken spiritually with little choice.  Without a doubt the trigger for me was the planet Pluto, and what followed was definitely a Plutonic tale as the building blocks in my life fell in a domino effect in a blink of an eye.  In part II I will discuss how Pluto completely transformed my life taking me to where I am now.

Valentine St Aubyn

My ascension nightmare and how I got to where I am now Part II

Depiction of the pineal gland as a pine cone. Note the snakes rising around the spinal cord moving up towards the pineal gland in the brain.

Well, the new energies have certainly been hitting me in big ways.  November so far has been quite a transitional month  and not an easy one for me and with it I have been battling with a new round of ascension symptoms.  However, today I am feeling better and I would like to continue with the second part of my post.  If you have not read ‘My ascension nightmare and how I got to where I am Part I’ you may want to drop in and read this first.  For those of you who have here is part II.

So, let us rewind for just a minute and I will take you back a few years before we move on to the summer of 2007.  In the last post I described to you my account and experience of a kundalini release.  It wasn’t pretty and it completely uprooted every area of my life.  As the planet is ascending the vibration of the planet is lifting due to the influx of energies being pumped into the universe.  Many of us whether we are into new age spirituality or not are feeling some very strange side effects.  Anxiety is the most common effect people are experiencing which brings on intense fear, we feel this because we are being forced to face ourselves and get to the root of our behaviourial patterns that do not serve our highest good.  When my anxiety was at its worst my hands and body constantly shook and I would often hide my hands out of sheer embarrassment.   It is becoming more common for people to experience spontaneous kundalini releases without even having to try, however, I do believe you will go through some physical preparations such as extreme anxiety and  insomnia as the body prepares itself.  Nevertheless, even if someone has had a kundalini release not everyone will experience what I have previously described.  When my husband experienced his kundalini release, he developed kundalini flu which brought on alot of pain in his crown chakra and he felt like he was on fire for about 24 hours and then he got better.  After that, it was over.  He developed the ringing in his ears soon after but did not got the loud siren effects like I did.

So why was my kundalini release so difficult?  This I do not know, and I am still trying to find the answers as there is so much to learn with all of this.  If you read Karen Bishop’s account of her awakening or Lisa Renee they too discuss a not so pleasant experience.   But, I do believe some of us will experience very strange symptoms as our kundalini releases and our pineal glands get activated.

I will say that I do not believe that my kundalini release was as spontaneous as I first believed. When I begin to look at the progression I went through I noticed a big change in myself towards the end of 1999 going into 2000. During this time I began experiencing extreme anxiety.  I was constantly anxious, I could not sleep, I had constant panic attacks and I became more and more nervous as the years went on.  From 2001-2003 I wrote Zoe Evans’ Possible Worlds the Crystal which acted as a great cathartic escape for me.   I  found myself channelling content for the book that I did not fully understand until my kundalini release and spiritual awakening years later.  By 2003, I realised that I needed help and so I went to see a hypnotherapist.  I did intense clearing work from 2003 until 2006 reliving all of the not so happy memories of my past and clearing them from my energy field.   I began to feel better but the panic attacks still lingered as did the insomnia.  My hypnotherapist suggested that I meditate on a regular basis which would help to calm my nerves.  So I did, I meditated for about 20 minutes three to four times a week from 2003 until 2007.  So when my kundalini released in the summer of 2007  I was catapulted into extreme anxiety once again and psychosis which I had never experienced before and I was completely shocked.  I had been doing so much work on myself, clearing and releasing so why was this happening to me?

As in the Matrix when Neo is faced with the choice of taking the blue or the red pill Kundalini release, ascension, spiritual awakening, however you would like to describe the process will without a doubt shatter your current perceptions about everything.  As my body cleared away all of the junk and debris of my past including any negative karmic patterns within my auric field, I was ready to be activated by the new energies that were being pumped into the solar system.  I had lifted my vibration to such a level that these new energies vibrated within my DNA which signalled it was time for activation.  The kundalini energy in my body and my pineal gland began to go to work.  The ancients have always known about the power of the pineal gland or third eye. So have the Vatican  and the masonic orders wich is a scary thought.  To gain higher levels of consciousness it is necessary for the pineal gland to be activated as it controls the the third eye.   The pineal gland is within the brain and effects what is perceived through the physical eyes and the senses.  It is the bridge and regulates awareness between the physical and spiritual worlds.  When the pineal gland is activated your perceptions and programming change. It is the gateway to higher knowledge and opening to the psychic realms.

When the pineal gland is activated a numbing sensation, or heaviness is felt in the base of the brain when you feel this know that great things are happening.  You will also feel the pouring of energy coming through the top of your head through the crown chakra as it activates the pineal gland, and you will get a buzzing or ringing in the ear as the energies swirl around.  Sometimes the sound can be loud and sometimes it is soft but it is best described as white noise.

So when my kundalini released my body became a christmas tree lit up with electrical currents running through all of  its channels.  I could no longer be the person I was it was time to change.  From August 2007 until January 2008 I went through an accelerated learning curve spiritually. I wanted to learn as much as I could and information came flying at me from every direction.  I was in constant pain as my crown chakra took in all of the new light and energy and I felt like an outsider from the 3-D world as my pineal gland had been activated and everything around me looked strange visually.  The ringing in my ears was loud but began to get quieter as the months went by.  I have always been into spirtual and metaphysical subjects, I have a degree in Philosophy, and I found a couple of books on my bookshelf on healing using crystals.  I could not remeber buying these books but nevertheless they were there.  I also found a book I had on healing using natural remedies such as flower remedies and decided to heal myself as my doctor was of no help whatsoever.    His answer to my health problems was to put me on anti-depressants which I flatly refused.   I also had a couple of sessions of acupuncture that helped me tremendously and the visual problems I had of everything looking flat and blurry eased with each session as my third eye began to reopen fully.  Everything around me looked different when I regained my vision it was if a new sense of vision was given to me.  I finally began to sleep better by November 2007 with the aid of prescription sleeping pills but I would only sleep for about 2 hours and then lay awake for another 2 hours this would go on all through the night every night for months.  My body was being downloaded with energy, information, light and I would lay in bed and feel my whole body literally shake and vibrate as the kundalini moved up, down and through my chakra system.  I was constantly hot and at night sweat would drop off of me and strangely I began to see number sequences such as 11:11, 9:11, 5:55, and on and on flashing on the clock.  In December 2007 I experienced the phantom death phase, I literally felt myself die.  I said good-bye to my husband expecting to physically die as I felt myself completely detaching from 3-d reality.  I did not die, but I certainly did not return to the old 3-D world I was born into.

I did not learn what had truly happened to me until January 2008 when I stumbled upon a channeling from Kryon and a spiritual forum that helped me greatly, and then I realised there was a whole community of people going through the same thing as me.  What a relief, I hadn’t been going crazy I was just experiencing a spiritual awakening.

In part III I will discuss the astrology of my kundalini release and spiritual awakening, as my whole life began to fall apart.

Valentine St Aubyn