Without a doubt 2009 has been a very difficult year for me as it has been for many others going through deep and profound changes. For me it’s been a long cycle which started in full in 2007 and has lingered ever since. I have been reshaped, reformed, cleansed, purified, turned upside down and inside out, removed, detached, abused and loved and have experienced every emotion that is possible to describe with human words. I have cried and laughed and felt completely no emotion at all wondering what in blazing saddles is going on in my life. Unfortunately, I wasn’t born with being able to see through dimensions or have conversations with star beings which I would have loved to of had but I was born quite sensitive and have the ability to feel energy at a deep level. I’m glad there are others out there such as Karen Bishop, Lisa Renee, Steve Rother who have this talent and can articulate what is happening to us as it is such a transformative journey and we all need help and guidance along the way.
Over the last few years, as I have been on my ascension journey, I have gone through a few cycles where I have been completely withdrawn from the world around me. I can’t say I mind, I do not care much for mainstream life and would very much like to go and live on a much more sophisticated and loving planet. However, for now I am here and so I and many of us who are sensitive to the denser energies are trying to make the most of it.
Over the last few years I have noticed a distinct and reoccurring pattern that exists. I enter into moments of complete detachness where absolutely nothing happens in my life for months and months and at the moment I am in another one of those phases. For me it began in September with the 09.09.09 portal. The phone stopped ringing, the temporary job I had folded and everything around me halted, except for the creative work I am doing for my novel that will be published early next year. This phase is often described as the ‘void’ and is a big part of ascension and many of us have and are currently experiencing this. I will leave the more technical aspects of the cleansing and purging that comes with this to the experts but the void is a necessary phase that happens in cycles as our bodies assimilate the new energies that are being pumped into the planet. During these periods I am always out of work whether I like it or not, can only focus and concentrate for short periods of time, am completely removed from others, and spend alot of time in my own home and pretty much feel like doing very little. In 3-D reality we are taught we must have a job, we should always be doing something and working ourselves to death to show just how successful we are. So, when you jump out of 3-D reality and move into the higher realms we soon realise there are many levels where work can occur that do not adhere to the rules of 3-D perception. And although we may have alot of work to get on with such as creative projects or planning our new businesses we just can’t muster enough energy to sit and do it all day as we could in the past.
I find life in the void scary and comforting all at the same time. I am always working through alot within myself during these periods and spend alot of time crying and releasing as I often feel very alone and detached from everyone and everything around me. My crown chakra tends to hurt alot and the laying down position is my favourite as it makes me feel at ease. I always manage to get sick. And this cycle is no different I have had the flu, vomitted, been having stomach aches, and have felt absolutely exhausted even though I have been getting plenty of rest and have been able to relax all day long. However, unfortunately I have a mortgage and bills to pay so although we are being asked by the higher levels to use this time and transmute and process I find it very hard to fully relax.
I have to admit somehow my financial needs are strangely being met. They do not all get met, if I may add, but I still have a roof over my head and I have been through a few phases of the void in the past and have come out at the other end still standing and with a home. I eat regularly so much so that I’ve managed to put on weight and I am not someone who puts on weight easily. As everything in my life has been stripped away I do not have many material things left, I have no car to maintain and no credit cards to worry about everything has been shaved down to the bare mininum. This also includes personal relationships including my marriage which has experienced many ups and downs over the last few years and at the moment my husband and I have been separated from each other.
I am broke, and forced to accept help from others, something that does not sit well with me as I have always worked for everything I have. Even when I try to help myself and look for work I am rudely reminded that I no longer belong in the old world. This week I recently tried to join an agency to look for employment. Although my novel will be available to buy at the beginning of next year and I am trying to become self employed delivering historical workshops, I still need outside help financially. I was rudely turned away as I was not able to pass a credit check to get a particular job, have you ever heard anything so ridiculous? At another agency I was not accepted because I had the audacity to tell the agency that I had life goals and write creatively on the side and was looking for something part-time or temporary. They were not happy with this because the employers want to know that you will dedicate yourself to the job wholly, meaning you are not allowed to have a brain of your own.
So I continue to live my life in the void and try to enjoy being broke and living simply. I will surrender myself to the experience once again and will try to stay in the now and look forward to the new beginnings that will hopefully begin for myself and many of us in 2010.
Valentine St Aubyn